Never in my wildest nightmares would I believe that we would bury a child.  This post isn't about child-loss so much as it's about what comes to visit following the loss of a child.  I call it The Grief Monster and it's a vicious thing.  Some days it feels like “Grief” is a living, breathing being.  It suffocates and tortures, it jabs and stings.  Obviously this terrible creature arrives soon after the loss and how long it stays varies for each person.  It was months for me.

But one thing I've discovered is that The Grief Monster returns every year around Bryan's birthdate (and other significant dates).   For me, this is December.  I've been keeping Grief at bay for weeks this year.  It keeps knocking and I keep yelling “I'm not home”.  Somehow I want it to just skip my house this year - to let me enjoy one Holiday season without tears falling.  Unfortunately, it doesn't just stand there and knock, it starts pounding and beating on the door and the next thing I've swung open the door just to make the racket stop.  “Get the visit overwith” I think, “it'll break down the door anyway”.  So Grief enters.....

...and brings with it depression, anger, sorrow, pain and sometimes even jealousy.  Then you have a house full of unwelcome guests that seem intent on wreaking havoc on your state of mind, emotions and physical well-being.  Grief isn't just emotional or mental - it's physical too.  There are times I find I'm short of breath, fatigued, even sick to my stomach.

So, the monster entered today.....it's lurking and baiting me.  I'm on the verge of tears as I sit here and type.  I miss Bryan terribly and wonder what life might be like with him here.  I'm not so much sad for him as I am for me.  I know he's in heaven, I know I'll see him one day but I also know that my human existance doesn't allow me to fathom what that will be like.  What I can understand right now is the pain involved with his absence.  He would be turning 8 this year.....eight, wow, it's just baffling to consider how much time has passed.  On days like today though, it “feels” like today is the day we learned of his death, it “feels” like the shock has just hit and yet it's also mixed with the reality of the finality.  When you're new to the grief process it's impossible to see that this is final - it won't be un-done - you won't wake from the nightmare.....somewhere in the back of your mind you think it's not real, it hasn't really happened.  When you're eight years into it though - you know it's real.  You've been “living with the reality” for years now and it has certainly sunk in.

So at this point there's no denial to protect you - it's real, you know it's real and you know your life will never be the same without that person.  Now some may say this means you will never have joy in your life again - not true.  I have great joy in my life.  And in fact, I believe that being faced with this tragedy has brought about a deeper feeling of joy.  I believe I feel everything more deeply.  And thus, when grief returns for a season each year - the sting is painful, the hurt is real and until it leaves, I feel it ever so deeply.