Ladies, I have so very much to share this week, some of which I can't right now.  I have decided to go ahead and post about my “Tea and Testimony“ experience yesterday despite having said I would wait till my LBY post later in the week.  Please bear with the length, it was as though I just had so much I wanted to say (which is why I decided it best to separate it from the other post).

When I was about five or six, I went to a festival at our church.  I don't remember a whole lot about why we were having a festival/carnival but I do remember that my parents seem to work on one of the booths for a while prior to.  In fact, since my grandfather was the pastor of the church/school it was a family affair, aunts, uncles, kids, grandkids - everyone helped out.  I remember my dad taking me around to the different booths and then suddenly he says to me, "Oh I bet you'd like to ride the ponies."  I knew I wanted to see the ponies but wasn't convinced I wanted to ride one?  When we got to the front of the line I was actually convinced I did not want to get on.  To me they seemed so big and I was a fairly shy child.  I told my dad that I was scared.  He tried to reassure me that he'd be standing beside the pony the whole time and that he wouldn't let anything happen to me.  Fear gripped my face and my little heart.  I could tell the other kids were having fun but I wasn't sure I wanted to risk it.  Then my Dad said something I'll never forget.  He knelt in front of me and said, "You're afraid right?"  I nodded.  "Sweetheart, it's ok to be afraid but you can't let fear keep you from living life."  I looked confused so he added.  "We can walk away from the ponies right now and you will wonder what you missed out on later."  I remember feeling my Dad's disappointment when I told him again that I was too scared.  Just like he had said, I watched those ponies almost all afternoon regretting my decision.  Fortunately I got another chance to ride before the end of the day and I took it.  I can't tell you it was fun because the only thing I really felt was being proud of myself for overcoming my fear of those docile little beasts.

Dad's words have come back to me time and time again since that day.  I haven't always taken the risk and have often regretted it when I didn't.  Fear, it's a powerful emotion.  Well, when I was first approached to give my testimony regarding infant loss at a local MOPS group - fear seized me in a very powerful way.  This time it was my youngest sister who asked me, "If you say no because you're afraid, will it be something you regret?  Won't you always wonder what you missed out on by passing up the opportunity?"  Suddenly the pony from so many years ago flew to the front of my mind.  I kept telling myself I was waiting to see if the Lord wanted me to do it but the truth was, I knew the answer and I was afraid.  Now, I must tell you that I have done some public speaking and even won the "Speaker of the Hour" award in Jr. High.  Even still, the thought of getting up in front of people always makes me shake uncontrollably, my voice sounds goofy and I'm always afraid of boring people to tears.  Insecurities that were formed very early on in life and no amount of human praise has been able to shake me free of them.

Remembering the pony and believing God wanted me to share, I told the MOPS coordinator I'd do it.  She was pleased.  Now came the torturous weeks up until when every time I tried to sit and prepare, something came up.  I noticed that the closer and closer the date came, the "distractions" were becoming worse.  I've passed two kidney stones now in the last two weeks - one of them the morning of the meeting!  On Monday afternoon I was laid out on my bed, flat on my back with pain thinking "is God trying to stop me from doing this tomorrow?"  I thought about Paul when the Bible tells us he was "kept by the Holy Spirit from preaching the word in the province of Asia".  So I prayed and said, "Lord, you know how to stop me if this isn't your will."  I knew I would have to be bed-ridden or dead because I was going the next day, gosh darn it!  That night I worked on the LBY homework, during which several scriptures spoke to me.  I still wasn't completely certain what God wanted me to talk about for twenty minutes but He had given me snippets of His Word along these three words, "Hope, Healing and Understanding" (the motto of ATiH).  I printed these up on a piece of paper and slipped it in with my stuff for the next morning.  Exhausted, I fell asleep.  No more preparation than that.

Tuesday morning my second stone was on the move again... pain, discomfort and nerves - not a good combo.  But hey, how about we add one more thing, ((ring, ring)).  My husband answers the phone...I'm sorry to say that I cannot post the details of that call just yet but just know that it was definitely something that added to the stress of the morning.  I told Erik before I left that I hoped I was going first, otherwise I might puke right there in the middle of everything.  I was a basket case by the time I reached the church.  How I managed to get there with everything, including a tea cup, my "notes", Bryan's memory stuff,  my youngest daughter and my sister, I do not know lol.  My darling mother came and prayed with me in the lobby.  The room was decorated so beautifully and brunch was an absolute delight!

Then I saw the meeting itinerary.  Three of us were sharing and I was....yep, you guessed it, last!  I wondered what on Earth God was up to having me go last but when someone suggested they could change the order (due to my stone issues), I dismissed the notion as I truly felt the Holy Spirit saying, "there is a reason".  Can you imagine how much more I was questioning when the first gal gets up and basically shares my salvation story before telling us about a time in her life that required more faith than she had?  And then when the second gal shared about the loss of her infant son bringing her to a place of complete brokenness before the Lord where she could finally accept His love for her?  But towards the end of her talk, the Spirit said, "look at your notes."  And I did.  "Have any of the scriptures I've given you been shared?"  I shook my head.  I felt Him saying, "I know what I'm doing - I will equip you remember?"

I was still nervous beyond belief.  Literally shaking as I stood to go to the front, I remember cracking a joke or two about it being harder to go last than first.  I vaguely remember telling briefly about the day I accepted Christ and then the day we lost Bryan.  I remember hitting the first point "Hope" and after that is a blur.  My body relaxed.  I know I referenced my notes for exact scripture quotes during it.  I know there were moments where ladies were laughing and moments where they were crying.  I know this because I found that I was able to look many of them square in the eye as I spoke, something I didn't think I'd be able to do.  I know that during those 20 minutes I was most definitely living beyond myself.  This was not something I wanted to do.  It was not something I even felt I could do. 

Some really nice things were said to me afterwards and I've even gotten a few e-mails.  Of course you've got to wonder if some are just glad it wasn't them up there lol.  I won't share what they said here because I don't want it to appear as boastful or anything since I had little to do with it.  I will tell you that I am so thankful for the opportunity and that I most definitely would have regretted not doing it!  I may never know what comes from this until heaven but I know I've already been blessed just by staring my fear in the face and being obedient in spite of it.

And, to those who were faithful to pray for yesterday - you have a part in whatever God brings out of it.  Thank you!