Alrighty, so I tackled my dependence on caffeine last year. This year, I’ve decided to tackle my sweet tooth. I didn’t put this in my 2006 goals as I have no idea how I would track my progress on such a thing. I’ve started an “emotional journey” piece in my journal where I can write what triggers my impulse to pull out the sweet stuff and eat it. I’m hoping that by doing this I can begin to recognize what’s happening before I turn to the wrong thing (in this case junk food) for “comfort”.
Initially I thought I’d start this after finishing my “In Relation To: Food” series. However, knowing the holidays were just around the corner, I thought I’d better wait till after the new year when I would be less “emotional” and have fewer temptations (or gorge fests to attend). So, I started on Tuesday morning but I can’t count Tuesday as a success really because I went off the binge cliff at dinner (hence labeling this “day two” instead of three). All kinds of triggers were going off and the morning after that “episode” I decided I’d best start journaling what’s going on with me when I want to binge and pray about it. I’ve also started listing out any physical “symptoms” I’m having in the hopes that I can begin to distinguish when I’m actually hungry from when I’m just wanting to eat to “feel better”.
Back in July I did a bit of research on sugar addiction. I believe it’s safe to say that sugar is addictive for me but it’s not enough for me to just quit cold turkey. Caffeine wasn’t emotionally tied to me; its hold was mainly chemical. For me, a binge starts with an emotional trigger most often and hangs on with a chemical addiction. Ok so to break the chemical cycle I have to stop consuming the stuff for a period of time. Sounds doable. What would we have to deal with? Maybe some headaches, shakiness, moodiness, perhaps even nausea? I can handle that. Could it be any worse than caffeine was for me in that regard? Doubtful.
How, pray tell, do we break the emotional cycle? Since I haven’t done it successfully yet, I can’t say for certain but I can say that praying and journaling about those emotional triggers is already helping a great deal. Questioning every craving with “why do I want that” is a huge step for me. The things I’m discovering about myself are very complicated but not at all scary like I thought they might be. It’s like Satan has kept me trapped in the lie of “Oh no Blair, you don’t want to go there. You’ll discover just how unlovable you really are.” My weight is a barrier against so many things, but rather than “protecting me”, it’s enslaving me.
I don’t want to eat healthier because some diet book tells me I should. I don’t want to feel like I must follow a list of “do’s and don’ts” of dieting success. I don’t need the guilt associated with having a slip up. I’ve been down the road where I followed plans and had weight loss success. Yet, where did I end up later? Did those plans help me stay thin? No, they just covered up the real problem with a “get thin quick” plan. The real problem wasn’t food, it wasn’t what or how much I ate. The real problem was how I dealt with those emotional triggers. Pushing them aside to dutifully follow steps 1, 2 and 3 will not heal a compulsive eater. I think I’m reaching a point where while I do care about my size, I care much more about my overall health (mental, spiritual as well as physical). I didn’t stay thin before because I had the mindset that being thin would fix the other stuff. When I got there and it didn’t fix what needed fixing, where did that leave me? The emotional mess was still there. I hadn’t learned how to cope with that side of the process. Losing a lot of weight puts you on a serious high but eventually the “excitement” of that wears off and it’s what you’re left with that determines if you truly are a healthy person from the inside out.
I’m dealing with the chemical aspect of this addiction the only way I know how, “cold turkey”; but I’m dealing with the emotional side in a whole new way – through prayer and journaling. I know I won’t be perfect. I know I’ll make mistakes but hopefully I’ll allow God to teach me through them.