What do you think of when you get an e-mail titled like that from someone you know? Yes, “she must be announcing she's pregnant“, you think. This is what I expected to read as I openned the e-mail........well, not only is she pregnant - she's about 20 weeks along and expecting a BOY! I'm not sure if I'm more miffed that she didn't feel the need to tell me before now that she's pregnant but now, now that she knows she's having a boy she's gonna rub my face in it? To top it off, I don't think too highly of her "mothering skills" (long story).
It just hit me really bad for some reason. I mean my sister is having a boy and while that stung a bit (hearing of any boy babies does that to me) I was able to let go of it - but this, this has been eating at me since I openned that stupid email and all I want to do is turn back time and delete the message before openning it. I love my kids to pieces, I wouldn't trade ANY of them for ANYthing - not even the shot at another boy - so why is this bothering me so much? It's true, I've wanted another brother for DS - poor guy is surrounded by sisters. I wish Bryan were here to be a big brother to him. I am pretty sure we won't be having any more kids but part of me wants to try for another boy - how stupid is that! Trying for a boy - after three girls in a row - maybe I'm thinking my odds are better LOL.
Obviously I'm not worried about this making much sense - I'm just trying to sort through this jumble of feelings I'm having and decifer what is rational and what isn't. Oddly, I'm just feeling better for having vented a bit....hmmm. What it boils down to is we're probably moving into "the next stage" (you know, the one after giving birth lol), and hearing about a woman who's my age having a boy and trying to somehow justify doing this just one more time......I don't know.
Will I ever beable to say "we're done". Will it always be a yearning? I've heard people say "you'll know when you're done." Is that true? And why don't I know? Am I just jealous and wanting something I can't have......ALL my kids here with me. If I'll know when we're done - should it conflict with DH "knowing when we're done". Is it another baby that I want or is it the dream of what will never be?
I believe I'll go pray on this for a bit. Glad I took a moment to vent. It helped me not write a nasty gram to my friend......I may actually be able to congratulate her.....we'll see.