If you could have been a fly on the wall when I was watching this week's video.  My goodness gracious.  If you have an inkling as to what's been going on here, then you know that the things she spoke on where exactly what we've been dealing with - the "depths of the grays".  About a year ago my husband and I began serious talks about leaving his current company.  You know how you just get "comfortable" somewhere and don't want to leave simply because it's "easier to stay".  We felt we'd reached that point and we knew it was time to make a change.  We decided to give it a year before doing anything "drastic".  I kept praying that God knew what it would take to get Erik to leave.  He's "officially" been looking for another job for a few months now and almost the entire time the contract he recently acepted was dangling out there.  They would call, then we'd wait, then another call, then more waiting.  We kept praying that God would open the right doors and close the wrong ones.  Every door closed but this one and so....we've stepped through it.

"Part of spiritual maturing is to cease equating hard with bad."

These next months are definitely going to be hard.  In some ways I'm looking forward to it, in others...well, let's just call the kettle black shall we.  I know I'm going to be stretched big time.  I know my faith is going to be tested.  I know I'll question and wonder and get down right exhausted!  I also know I'm going to have the perfect opportunity to discover if "through the power of the Holy Spirit, I can...do things I couldn't, feel things I didn't and know things I wouldn't."  I know I've never been moved to cry when someone hammered out middle C on a piano before.  I suppose if I can feel things I didn't about that, we're headed somewhere with all of this.  I'm again reminded that "that which is spiritual, can also be practical".  I loved how Beth pointed out that if we are "worth the blood of Christ" then discerning our "gray areas" is most definitely important to God.  I think my one of my favorite quotes from the video was:

"I'd rather have a word I don't want than not to hear from God."

There was so much more than this I gleaned from the video alone but I really feel I need to touch on the homework more in this post.  While the video is so touching and powerful, I can see that it's the homework where I'll really begin to hone in on the concept of "living beyond myself".

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.  Against such things there is no law"
Galatians 5:22-23

Anyone signing along with me as they read these verses?  I am no stranger to this passage but I am definitely being drawn into desiring, with every fiber of my being, to bear such fruit!  In the homework this week we began with the very intricate topic of "love" (eros, philos & agape).  Now, Day one was about Eros and if any of you read through the Song of Songs (Solomon) chapters she instructed, I'm curious if anyone else did some blushing.  I actually did this lesson while sitting in the Corner Bakery waiting for some girlfriends to arrive.  At any rate, I loved the section on marriage.  I know Erik and I are in for some trying times.  Being separated from your spouse is never easy.  We've done it before but it's certainly not my idea of a "good time". 

When we talked about philos, I was reminded of some less than positive relationships I've had (and do have).  The first to come to mind was among the gals at the Bakery that night.  That one is marred by betrayal.  I find that each time I'm around her I want to hold her at a further and further distance.  Some of the things she says stirs up anger in me and even disgust!

Another relationship I considered is, to be quite frank, based purely on a common dislike for another individual.  Inevitably when I'm around this person we always end up gossiping about the person neither of us cares much for.  I guess it's a good thing I don't see this woman very often but how sad is it that the foundation of our relationship is not only shallow, it's utterly sinful!  I do not like gossip and I honestly do try to avoid it - I think with this woman I'm wanting to "be real", to show her I can "relate" and going way too far across the line.

I'm also reminded of a friendship that started in Basic Training (USAF).  We were right beside one another in the alphabet and were forced together quite often.  When you're in basic you just want to get through.  People you wouldn't have chosen for friends in the civilian world suddenly become a lifeline you have no choice but to rely on.  When we entered tech school, relying on her could have cost me a great deal when I found myself stranded in the middle of the French Quarter one Friday night (long, long story).  Fortunately God rescued me from that situation!

The first several days of this week's homework had me really evaluating my friendships - those people I allow to influence me.  It also had me evaluating what kind of friend I am and how I treat others, especially believers.  I'll be honest, I have very very few really close friends.  It takes a while for me to truly "let someone in", but when I do, I am loyal like you would not believe.  When we began through the break down for agape, I came to realize that I don't come even close to demonstrating that to anyone!  I have always been somewhat hesitant about saying "I love you" to just anyone.  Maybe I've seen the word "love" much like the word "hate" - powerful!  Don't use it unless you really, really, really mean it.

And then, in day four I came face to face with my selfish person.

"Much of what angers us is a result of how we perceive we are personally affected by a situation."

Yikes!  I recognize the person this quote describes and it's me!  I shudder at the thought!  I have been quite angry lately.  I know most of it is stress related and when something doesn't go my way again....what do I do?  Get even more bent out of shape!  I told Erik the other day that I feel like I'm waking up even emptier than when I go to bed at night.  I need to be getting filled first thing in the morning for sure or I'm going to shrivel up and blow away during these next several months.  I saw an example of a large dried out sponge that had a tiny dried out sponge placed on top.  Just a little bit of water was added to only the large sponge.  Within a few moments not only was the large sponge filled to overflowing, the little sponge that was touching it was too!  If we can become filled with agape from God, we can more adequately begin to spread that to others who are craving that love (like our children).  Oh I want that!  Please God, I want that!

"Love is the sovereign preference of my person for another person, and when the Holy Spirit is in you, that other person is Jesus.  The only lover of the Lord Jesus Christ is the Holy Ghost."  Oswald Chambers