If you’ve ever gotten shocking news…a phone call in the middle of the night, a diagnosis, a betrayal…etc, then you know that it’s not uncommon for fear to creep in from time to time.  It’s the fear that you’ll get another call like that one… and you’ll have to go through the turmoil all over again.

I’ll be quite frank, I had a lot of days not long after my oldest son died where that very fear gripped me so hard it felt suffocating.  The phone would ring in the middle of the night and it would be a wrong number but my heart would race and I’d feel as though I could vomit while I waited to find out who was on the other end.  Every ultrasound with my other children would find me fighting the urge to cry or cancel the appointment.  Moments when Erik would be late getting home from work, I'd suddenly be overcome with fear that something was terribly wrong.  Even once my son was “missing” for about an hour (long story) – it turned out he was perfectly fine but I was in complete panic mode (as most moms would be).

It had been a while since I had an incident like this and I guess I was beginning to become comfortable without that sickening fear.  So, today, when something happened to trigger it, I was caught completely by surprise.  I know this is a difficult time of year for myself and for many others out there…but I really would like one holiday season without tears for a change.  I did not want to cry today…tomorrow maybe, but not today.  As though dealing with the ridiculous fear and the mental trauma that brought me to tears isn’t enough, most of the time, I end up feeling rather stupid and a tad crazy for letting it get to me like that.

God was trying desperately to remind me to lean on Him but I just kept bawling like an idiot, asking Him to “please let it be ok”.  He brought several verses to my mind and while they did eventually calm my spirit, my flesh was still very much upset. 

Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic…  Deuteronomy 20:3b

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  Deuteronomy 31:8

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.  Isaiah 41:13

I know there are others of you who grieve at this time of year and my heart aches for you.  I also know that some of you will or have experienced grief afresh this year…I am so very sorry.  Maybe you feel as Job, David and Jesus did…

My eyes have grown dim with grief; my whole frame is but a shadow. Job 17:7

Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. Psalm 31:9

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.  Psalm 119:28

Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me."  Matthew 26:38

I am praying that God will wrap His big strong arms about us and comfort us in a way that only He can…because He understands.

Who has believed our message and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?  He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.  Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.  Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted.  But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.  Isaiah 53:1-5

I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.  John 16:20

I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.  Jeremiah 31:13b

And finally, while tears may stain your face (as they do mine at the moment), I know this to be true…

weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.  Psalm 30:5b

Your weeping may endure many nights even…but joy is on the horizon…watch for it…wait for it and trust that in all things…the Lord is good.

For the LORD is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations.  Psalm 100:5

Praise the LORD; for the LORD is good: sing praises unto his name; for it is pleasant. 

Psalm 135:3

The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. 

Lamentations 3:25

The LORD is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him.  Nahum 1:7