After my outburst over the scale last week and then a calorie check revealing that I was slipping into old habits again (I tend to convert to the starve/binge method...lovely huh?)....anyway I've decided that the scale will have to be off-limits for me for a bit. If you don't think I'm obsessed, what if I tell you that it's not unusual for me to weigh multiple times during the day. Now, maybe that wouldn't be so bad if it didn't let it affect my mood....but I do....and it does. I tend to go into panic mode if I gain weight and then I'll start cutting calories (without realizing it mind you). I'll cut until I just can't take it anymore and then I binge. One of the first signs that I'm eating too little during the week is when I eat something bad one day and have a sudden and severe gain the next ....which of course prompts the cycle all over again.

It is painfully obvious to me that I am unable to judge on my own how much I should eat each day. When I think I'm doing good and I plug the calories in the next day they are almost always below 1000...um, this is not good. I tell you I have no idea I'm doing it. I think, "I'm eating clean, I'm doing good". It's not just about eating clean though, it's about eating enough to adequately fuel my body. I will be posting on the technical topic of calorie consumption in the future but that isn't necessarily what this post is about. This is about my eating disorder and what I'm going to do over the next several weeks to correct some things.

First of all, I decided that I needed some extra motivation to keep me focused on moving forward....in a positive way. So, I've signed up for the Body For Life challenge. I completed this 12 week challenge with incredible results in 2000. It was so exciting to send off my packet at the end of the challenge. They sent me a cool t-shirt and a certificate of achievement (both of which I still have). The certificate is in my focus binder to this day. I often look at it and the nice, encouraging form letter I got from Porter Freeman (a fellow challenger). I plan to do as many back to back challenge entries as I need to reach my goals.

Secondly I needed to address my obvious problem with food. So, I spent almost three hours today detailing out my food plan for the next week. After I wrote it up I signed into fitday.com and figured the calorie totals for each day. I was stunned that even with entering SIX meals per day I had to up the portions on most days to even get above 1000 calories. I don't want to go below 1200 but my target 1700/day. Ideally I'd like to stay between 1500 and 1700 most days. This is going to take some serious re-training on my part as my natural instinct is to slash the calories. I know that it is highly possible for me to gain weight initially and that is the reason I won't be stepping on the scale again until probably the end of April. I started out the year really good with my food and then began to cut a little more each week. I guess I'll need to track my food for a while until it becomes habit to feed myself instead of starve myself.

Third, I will be exercising more consistently. Anne from OWOA has challenged me to do the Couch to 5K program with her beginning in April. Again, this is merely a tool to keep me working toward a set goal. I plan to continue with pilates as well. Even though I won't be stepping on the scale, I will be measuring and taking photos (um, no you can't see them yet lol). Why am I writing all of this out here? Because I am sure I am not the only person on the planet who deals with this...and those other gals need to know they aren't alone. Because I need the accountability. And Because I believe God can do great things through my weaknesses. I'm going to need to cling to Him daily to accomplish this. I'm also posting this because someone may read it and the Lord may lay it on their heart to pray for me and the other ladies who fight this demon every day.