So many parents have reversed roles with their kids. For whatever reason (and the analysts have all kinds of theories) parents are no longer parenting their children. Kids are in charge and they know it. Their crazy busy schedules rule the family and their “wants” are met constantly. Parents are afraid to take charge because they fear the “consequences”. Some believe saying “no” means they don’t love their kids. (I believe the opposite is true.) Kids have later bedtimes (or no bedtime), more stuff and more activities than ever before. Structure is almost non-existent and children are being expected to process life like an adult. Unless parents take back their position, these kids are in for a tough road according to a Newsweek Article, The Power of No.
Of course you can go to extremes the other way too. If your only interaction with your child is that of saying “no”, I’m afraid you won’t have much of a relationship now or later. Love and boundaries do go hand in hand if the boundaries are set with love in mind. Being a parent is a place of authority. Sometimes it’s a democracy but there are times for absolute ruling as well. For instance, if your underage youth wishes to have alcohol at a homecoming party, this shouldn’t be put to a vote, “no” is the appropriate answer lol. Giving your three year old a choice of which pair of pants to wear is an example of allowing your child to make some decisions for herself, but letting her chose when she goes to bed isn’t a decision she’s old enough to handle. Boundaries are good; rules are good but only if backed by love. Our kids need to know we care but showing them love doesn’t mean we have to let them bulldoze right over us. Sometimes doing what’s best for them will make them angry or sad.
We somehow think that kids test the boundaries because they have a desire to abolish said boundaries, I don’t believe this is true. I believe they test them because they want security, they want to know that something in life can be relied upon not to change. No, they may not like a particular household rule, but when it’s enforced time after time it provides consistency and security that kids desperately need. As the child matures, the boundary line moves a bit further out. Of course some rules never change (like don’t hit your brother) but others do (like curfew and bedtimes).
Today we give kids too much too young. The power that comes with being a responsible adult should be released to our kids in increments appropriate with their maturity. As a child’s maturity grows, so should their responsibilities and as their responsibilities grow, so should their ability to make decisions for themselves. Today’s parents are so caught up in giving their kid the edge or being their child’s friend that they don’t realize they aren’t letting their children be…..children. Kids are being forced to handle adult situations far too early and are ill-equipped to deal with it. This doesn’t give us well-adjusted adults later; it gives us confused, dissatisfied adult-sized kids.
Being a parent is definitely one of the most difficult jobs. None of us will do it perfectly but we must take this role seriously. Be an encourager to your kids, show them affection often but don’t forget who’s in charge. There are many fabulous books on this subject. Here’s a few I’ve found helpful.
Kid CEO by Ed Young
Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Kevin Leman
Bringing Up Boys by Dr. James Dobson
The New Dare to Discipline by Dr. James Dobson