The unhealthy state of affairs in my aging family members has me thinking more and more about what is truly "good for me" and what is not. Do I want to be on a pacemaker, shooting insulin in my body and/or barely able to walk later? This is just the tip of the iceberg of what is awaiting me due to genetics. The Apostle Paul even said, "everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial." Ideally, identifying what is beneficial and doing that more often than that which does not benefit would be a start. A ding dong may taste good and may be "permissible" but is it my "best choice"? I emphasize "choice" because well, isn't that really what this is about - choices?

If I eat the ding dong, my choice is taste over waist, is it not? Likewise I could argue that a choice for broccoli might mean waist over taste (as I don't find broccoli nearly as tasty as chocolate). But perhaps I'm looking at this all wrong? In the past if I chose broccoli I did so either as a martyr (oh poor me, I have to eat this vile weed and can't enjoy food at all) or as a self-professed saint (oh look at me, I'm such a healthy minded person and so disciplined). Neither mindset is healthy in the light of Truth and Balance. When it comes to "food", is it really about "being right or being wrong"? I don't think so. I think it's more about what is beneficial and what doesn't benefit.

And then, I must ask myself, what am I striving to benefit? My ego? My vanity? My cravings? My flesh? All of which are shallow things to invest in. Rather then, should I be striving to benefit the Temple of the Lord, which is my physical body. Looking to benefit the Kingdom of Heaven through glorifying the God who created me would be a better choice as well. And if I see the choice between broccoli and the ding dong as more of a choice than a curse or a right, wouldn't it free me to better make the more beneficial decision? The decision that will most benefit my purpose on this earth? Ah, but what is my purpose? I may not know the full scope of that but what I do know is that my purpose does not involve willingly destroying my body any more than it involves the worship of my physical body. My purpose that I am positive of is to reflect the glory of God...to point others back to Him...to live beyond my flesh nature through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Hmm, kind of alters the perspective of those daily food decisions doesn't it?

I really miss writing for this blog....actually, I've missed writing in general!  As I mentioned before, we moved, yet again.  This time though, we are hopeful it will be permanent.  We're still surrounded by boxes and hundreds of stray items looking for a home in our new home.  Despite this, my plan is to resume a more “normal” routine beginning Monday morning (Oh Lord please help me with this!).  I do know that when I return, my online time will be limited to email, this blog and a couple of forums. 

Speaking of forums, I haven't formally introduced one of my favorite projects to date.  If you are a woman struggling with body image and weightloss, you might consider checking out GAINChange.  Feel free to use my contact form or email me at j.blair.lane@gmail.com express interest in joining us.  We do have some restrictions on who may join so be sure to check out the site.

Well, I'd better return to the land of cardboard chaos!  Looking forward to being back in the swing of things next week!

I wonder if Lot's wife looked back in a moment of weakness...or was it longing...or perhaps fear?  Whatever the reason, she must not have taken the Lord's warning of becoming a pillar of salt very seriously.  I've thought every time I came across this story that it must have been difficult to hear her beloved city being pelted with fire and brimstone, to hear the desperate cries of friends and neighbors...and probably dear loved ones.  Today we can't even drive by a fender bender without craning our necks to see what happened.  I cannot imagine walking with my back to such chaos and not at least feel tempted to take a peek over my shoulder.  God said, "don't look back" though and He apparently meant it.

Lot's wife came to my mind last night as I mentally struggled with my size.  I don't like being labeled as "fat" but that's what I am and I was suddenly depressed by it. I began to question this "no dieting" thing. I even signed up for a SparkPeople account and started looking through their "diet plan". It's a totally cool site, with lots of information, forums and trackers galore.  My mind kept telling me that I was insane not to take "before photos" again this year, that I was "giving up" by not detailing out a diet or workout plan. "You'll be fat till you die", was what the voice kept saying.  "You need to go back to what you KNOW!"

At about midnight, as I was about to give in and start working up a plan of attack on this body of mine, another Voice said, "Don't you think you should discuss this with Me first?"  That got my attention.  So, I closed my laptop, climbed in bed with my Bible and prayer journal and met with God about it. I'm happy to report that I'm going to continue on the "no dieting" path. I haven't weighed myself since Friday because well....I am not what I weigh.  I almost did this morning but I felt the Holy Spirit say, "trust Me, not the scale" so I didn't weigh. I haven't counted a single calorie or carb or fat gram. I haven't starved myself OR binged. These are HUGE successes despite what the scale might say. I've wasted so much time and energy on thinking about, loathing, and loving "food". I've wasted almost an equal amount of time and energy planning, researching, tracking and charting in regard to my weight.

All I can do is place this in God's hands. He has to heal me from the inside out...I just have to stay out of His way and stop trying to "fix it" on my own. I don't want to be swept away again by diet plans and charts and such.  Granted, it may be working for others, and that's great, but it was slavery for me.  This is what I believe God has called me to do and until He tells me otherwise, I won't look back.

First of all...Merry Christmas Eve!

Second, this will likely be my last post from Maryland (and probably last post of the year).  We plan to head out on Saturday morning.  The kids and I will hang out in Texas for a bit before moving on to Colorado!!  We're all very excited about this next chapter in our lives.

In 2008, my husband and I hope to post a joint blog series on our “debt reduction” journey.  Having made our final unsecured debt payment on Friday, we have a lot to share from the last almost two years.

Also, I will be talking some more about my “no more dieting” point of view and how incredibly freeing it has been for me.

If I have time, I may post my 2008 goals, but for now, I'm in packing mode.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007 will go down in my personal history as the day I put an end to dieting.  For this veteran dieter, a move like this has been a long time coming.  I began dieting around the age of 12 when a relative smacked me on the rear and commented that I was "putting on a few back there".  As I know now, that was around the time when my body was going through changes that were out of my control.  I still had several inches of growing to do in the next year which would have balanced out any thickening I had going on.  I was horrified at the thought of getting fat (which is what I believed that relative was implying).  

As I was typing up this post, I started to go into my entire weight/diet history but it is a long and painful journey.  One that I am just not up for hashing out in the public eye right now.  My beliefs about food have been so warped in so many ways for so many years.  However, as I look back on the last 8-9 years I can see moments when God has put people and articles and books into my path in an attempt to help me "get a clue".  I've continued to whine and cry to God saying, "Why won't you rescue me from this"?  Just like the man in the flood who kept turning down help while shouting "No thank you, God will save me!", I find that the Lord could clearly say to me also...."Well, I sent you a car, a boat and a helicopter."  Fortunately though, it hasn't taken dying for me to clue in.

Wednesday was "rock bottom".  They say some people have to reach that point and I thought I had been there in the past.  I know I was there on Wednesday.  I was a pile of mush on my couch...broken...giving up.  I got honest with God and He got honest with me.  He told me I have an eating disorder...which wasn't news to me.  What was news to me was that I had been going about "fixing it" all wrong.   I googled eating disorders with the intent of finding a clinic to check myself into.  However, I found an article where a woman posted a prayer about breaking the cycle.  I cried as I prayed those words.  I don't know much about the writer but I could relate to her story so much.  Suddenly the encounters I'd had with people as far back as 1999 who had been set free from this addiction/compulsion began to pop into my mind.  One right after another I saw the "car", the "boat" and the "helicopter".  Each of those people played an important role in what happened to me on Wednesday because, thanks to them I own several books on breaking the cycle of this eating disorder.  I've read these books at least once (most twice) but never adopted the belief system.  It flew in the face of everything I believed about health and fitness but on Wednesday I finally heard the message.  The message? "Stop dieting".

And so I did.  One thing I read on Wednesday talked about "diets" treating the symptoms of compulsive eating and not the cause.  When I began to look at how I used food, I realized that no diet is ever going to work for me long term.  Trust me, I've tried most of them.  I had reached a point where I didn't enjoy food anymore.  Even when I ate the things I was craving or that I thought I "liked", I didn't taste them, I inhaled them (or distracted myself while I ate them)!  When I ate the things I thought I should because they "are good for me", I resented the meal, wanted it over as soon as possible and I was usually left unsatisfied and wanting something else.  My entire day became consumed with thoughts of food...either trying to get it or trying to avoid it!  The joy was sucked right out of my day by this one huge issue in my life.

It's been a week since I decided to stop dieting and I feel like a completely different person.  I'm asking the Lord to help me listen to my body.  He's showing me what it feels like to be truly hungry for food.  He's helping me to decipher what I'm actually craving (food, affection, sleep...etc) so I can make sure my needs get met and in a healthier way than drowning everything in food (or with starving myself as penance).  He's teaching me to know when I've had enough to eat.  I'm learning to slow down and enjoy what I eat....which means that I eat what I want to eat and not what some book tells me I should eat.  There have been times in the last week when I would have reached for chocolate but didn't because I listened to what my body was saying and I realized I really wanted something else.  There have been times when chocolate is what I wanted and so I had it.  There have also been times when I ate when I didn't need or want to eat.  It is my hope that those times will become less and less as I really pay attention to what God and my body are saying.

Someone told me the other day that they didn't think I could lose weight eating whatever I want, whenever I want it.  I don't necessarily agree with that, I know people who were where I'm at and have lost a great deal of weight by choosing to stop dieting.  At the same time, even if I never lose another pound, the sense of freedom I have right now would be all the reward I need.  To be a slave for so long and now experience freedom from the tyranny of dieting.....it's just indescribable.  However, for those people for whom the "proof is in the weightloss", I'll be tracking my weight.  Before today I have never posted my weight on my blog.  That has been totally on purpose because I know that people make snap judgments about others based on their weight...their appearance...etc.  For a while I didn't even have a photo of myself on my blog.  Anyway, I started this year weighing 219.8 pounds.  I did manage to see 195.8 briefly this year in the midst of all of my yoyo dieting and exercise.  Last Friday (7th) I weighed in at 205.2.  I'm going to consider that my "start weight" from the time I stopped dieting.  I'm usually a "weigh-every-day" sort of gal but since last Wednesday I have lost the desire to weigh more than once per week.  I can't guarantee that I'll post a weekly weigh in out here but I still plan to do so with the gals at GAINchange.

I truly believe the Lord is healing my mind, body and spirit in this area and I am so very thankful.  My husband has noticed a difference in me already and I can tell my kids are seeing changes also.  I just cannot express the prison I've been set free from.  I wish I could explain this feeling but there are no words.  Unless you know the prison of which I speak, I will sound like nothing more than a crazy person.  You may be at a different place than I am.  I cannot tell you how you should eat, nor am I telling anyone to go against doctor's orders.  I'm also not discouraging you from speaking to a doctor about your own personal issues regarding your weight.  By all means, see a doctor if the Lord is leading you to do so.  If you are going days without eating, taking laxatives for weightloss, purging or having suicidal thoughts, please seek professional help immediately.  Life is too short to live it in misery when there is help available.

You may be wondering why on earth I am posting all of this out here.  That's actually a good question.  I feel compelled to do so...not so I can say "hey look at me, I'm not dieting anymore".  I really believe that God has a message in this for someone out there.  Maybe this post will be your "car"...or "boat"...or "helicopter".  Whatever His purpose in you reading it today, I pray that it brings Glory to His Name and that you are blessed in the process.

Resources:
Living Beyond Yourself
Breaking Free
Get Out of That Pit
You are Not What You Weigh
Why Weight? A Guide To Ending Compulsive Eating