I wonder if Lot's wife looked back in a moment of weakness...or was it longing...or perhaps fear?  Whatever the reason, she must not have taken the Lord's warning of becoming a pillar of salt very seriously.  I've thought every time I came across this story that it must have been difficult to hear her beloved city being pelted with fire and brimstone, to hear the desperate cries of friends and neighbors...and probably dear loved ones.  Today we can't even drive by a fender bender without craning our necks to see what happened.  I cannot imagine walking with my back to such chaos and not at least feel tempted to take a peek over my shoulder.  God said, "don't look back" though and He apparently meant it.

Lot's wife came to my mind last night as I mentally struggled with my size.  I don't like being labeled as "fat" but that's what I am and I was suddenly depressed by it. I began to question this "no dieting" thing. I even signed up for a SparkPeople account and started looking through their "diet plan". It's a totally cool site, with lots of information, forums and trackers galore.  My mind kept telling me that I was insane not to take "before photos" again this year, that I was "giving up" by not detailing out a diet or workout plan. "You'll be fat till you die", was what the voice kept saying.  "You need to go back to what you KNOW!"

At about midnight, as I was about to give in and start working up a plan of attack on this body of mine, another Voice said, "Don't you think you should discuss this with Me first?"  That got my attention.  So, I closed my laptop, climbed in bed with my Bible and prayer journal and met with God about it. I'm happy to report that I'm going to continue on the "no dieting" path. I haven't weighed myself since Friday because well....I am not what I weigh.  I almost did this morning but I felt the Holy Spirit say, "trust Me, not the scale" so I didn't weigh. I haven't counted a single calorie or carb or fat gram. I haven't starved myself OR binged. These are HUGE successes despite what the scale might say. I've wasted so much time and energy on thinking about, loathing, and loving "food". I've wasted almost an equal amount of time and energy planning, researching, tracking and charting in regard to my weight.

All I can do is place this in God's hands. He has to heal me from the inside out...I just have to stay out of His way and stop trying to "fix it" on my own. I don't want to be swept away again by diet plans and charts and such.  Granted, it may be working for others, and that's great, but it was slavery for me.  This is what I believe God has called me to do and until He tells me otherwise, I won't look back.