Wednesday, December 5, 2007 will go down in my personal history as the day I put an end to dieting.  For this veteran dieter, a move like this has been a long time coming.  I began dieting around the age of 12 when a relative smacked me on the rear and commented that I was "putting on a few back there".  As I know now, that was around the time when my body was going through changes that were out of my control.  I still had several inches of growing to do in the next year which would have balanced out any thickening I had going on.  I was horrified at the thought of getting fat (which is what I believed that relative was implying).  

As I was typing up this post, I started to go into my entire weight/diet history but it is a long and painful journey.  One that I am just not up for hashing out in the public eye right now.  My beliefs about food have been so warped in so many ways for so many years.  However, as I look back on the last 8-9 years I can see moments when God has put people and articles and books into my path in an attempt to help me "get a clue".  I've continued to whine and cry to God saying, "Why won't you rescue me from this"?  Just like the man in the flood who kept turning down help while shouting "No thank you, God will save me!", I find that the Lord could clearly say to me also...."Well, I sent you a car, a boat and a helicopter."  Fortunately though, it hasn't taken dying for me to clue in.

Wednesday was "rock bottom".  They say some people have to reach that point and I thought I had been there in the past.  I know I was there on Wednesday.  I was a pile of mush on my couch...broken...giving up.  I got honest with God and He got honest with me.  He told me I have an eating disorder...which wasn't news to me.  What was news to me was that I had been going about "fixing it" all wrong.   I googled eating disorders with the intent of finding a clinic to check myself into.  However, I found an article where a woman posted a prayer about breaking the cycle.  I cried as I prayed those words.  I don't know much about the writer but I could relate to her story so much.  Suddenly the encounters I'd had with people as far back as 1999 who had been set free from this addiction/compulsion began to pop into my mind.  One right after another I saw the "car", the "boat" and the "helicopter".  Each of those people played an important role in what happened to me on Wednesday because, thanks to them I own several books on breaking the cycle of this eating disorder.  I've read these books at least once (most twice) but never adopted the belief system.  It flew in the face of everything I believed about health and fitness but on Wednesday I finally heard the message.  The message? "Stop dieting".

And so I did.  One thing I read on Wednesday talked about "diets" treating the symptoms of compulsive eating and not the cause.  When I began to look at how I used food, I realized that no diet is ever going to work for me long term.  Trust me, I've tried most of them.  I had reached a point where I didn't enjoy food anymore.  Even when I ate the things I was craving or that I thought I "liked", I didn't taste them, I inhaled them (or distracted myself while I ate them)!  When I ate the things I thought I should because they "are good for me", I resented the meal, wanted it over as soon as possible and I was usually left unsatisfied and wanting something else.  My entire day became consumed with thoughts of food...either trying to get it or trying to avoid it!  The joy was sucked right out of my day by this one huge issue in my life.

It's been a week since I decided to stop dieting and I feel like a completely different person.  I'm asking the Lord to help me listen to my body.  He's showing me what it feels like to be truly hungry for food.  He's helping me to decipher what I'm actually craving (food, affection, sleep...etc) so I can make sure my needs get met and in a healthier way than drowning everything in food (or with starving myself as penance).  He's teaching me to know when I've had enough to eat.  I'm learning to slow down and enjoy what I eat....which means that I eat what I want to eat and not what some book tells me I should eat.  There have been times in the last week when I would have reached for chocolate but didn't because I listened to what my body was saying and I realized I really wanted something else.  There have been times when chocolate is what I wanted and so I had it.  There have also been times when I ate when I didn't need or want to eat.  It is my hope that those times will become less and less as I really pay attention to what God and my body are saying.

Someone told me the other day that they didn't think I could lose weight eating whatever I want, whenever I want it.  I don't necessarily agree with that, I know people who were where I'm at and have lost a great deal of weight by choosing to stop dieting.  At the same time, even if I never lose another pound, the sense of freedom I have right now would be all the reward I need.  To be a slave for so long and now experience freedom from the tyranny of dieting.....it's just indescribable.  However, for those people for whom the "proof is in the weightloss", I'll be tracking my weight.  Before today I have never posted my weight on my blog.  That has been totally on purpose because I know that people make snap judgments about others based on their weight...their appearance...etc.  For a while I didn't even have a photo of myself on my blog.  Anyway, I started this year weighing 219.8 pounds.  I did manage to see 195.8 briefly this year in the midst of all of my yoyo dieting and exercise.  Last Friday (7th) I weighed in at 205.2.  I'm going to consider that my "start weight" from the time I stopped dieting.  I'm usually a "weigh-every-day" sort of gal but since last Wednesday I have lost the desire to weigh more than once per week.  I can't guarantee that I'll post a weekly weigh in out here but I still plan to do so with the gals at GAINchange.

I truly believe the Lord is healing my mind, body and spirit in this area and I am so very thankful.  My husband has noticed a difference in me already and I can tell my kids are seeing changes also.  I just cannot express the prison I've been set free from.  I wish I could explain this feeling but there are no words.  Unless you know the prison of which I speak, I will sound like nothing more than a crazy person.  You may be at a different place than I am.  I cannot tell you how you should eat, nor am I telling anyone to go against doctor's orders.  I'm also not discouraging you from speaking to a doctor about your own personal issues regarding your weight.  By all means, see a doctor if the Lord is leading you to do so.  If you are going days without eating, taking laxatives for weightloss, purging or having suicidal thoughts, please seek professional help immediately.  Life is too short to live it in misery when there is help available.

You may be wondering why on earth I am posting all of this out here.  That's actually a good question.  I feel compelled to do so...not so I can say "hey look at me, I'm not dieting anymore".  I really believe that God has a message in this for someone out there.  Maybe this post will be your "car"...or "boat"...or "helicopter".  Whatever His purpose in you reading it today, I pray that it brings Glory to His Name and that you are blessed in the process.

Resources:
Living Beyond Yourself
Breaking Free
Get Out of That Pit
You are Not What You Weigh
Why Weight? A Guide To Ending Compulsive Eating