There is just something special about reclining on the sofa, laptop at your fingertips, coffee by your side and a story running in fast forward through your mind.  When this happens it’s like nothing else exists in the room.  I become a fly on the wall my character leans upon.  I dare not breathe or she will hear me.  I dare not move or the entire image could vanish.  The words tumble out of my fingers at a pace rivaled only by a transcriptionist.  The scene is set!  The characters take action!  It’s pure poetry!  Poetry, I tell you!  The fly marvels at the sheer genius!  She snickers at a joke made by the hero, “that’s good stuff she whispers.”

(CRASH)

Suddenly my stained and worn sofas come back into view as the world behind the cursor fades into a black and white blob on the screen.   “What was that?!”  I yell from my seat still straining futilely to regain the focus.

“Nothing.”

“That was definitely something!”  As I close the screen, my manuscript screams, “No! Don’t go in there, it’s a trap!”

Finding nothing but an overturned chair, I return to the sofa and attempt picking up where I left off.  The black and white blob refuses to resurrect and the toys on the floor refuse to disappear.  “A trap indeed”, I snort in frustration.  Now I am back to staring at the blinking cursor, in a world where naptime will expire in ten minutes.  That moment of sheer genius may not ever be published but it will encourage me to try again tomorrow.  In the meantime, I’ll enjoy being trapped in Motherhood.

Because of the insistance of my darling husband, I had the priveledge of attending the Living Proof Live Event in Colorado Springs the first weekend in May.  I know it is totally out of character for me to be “speechless” but that is the only way I can describe my state after the weekend.  I couldn't put together an intelligent thought for days.  I feel very special to God, as though He orchestrated it all just for me.  Even now, I find that I still do not have the words to express how God spoke to me personally during those two days.  What I can say is if you have the opportunity to go to one of these events, don't walk, RUN to your nearest computer and get registered.

LPL - Colorado Springs (just to whet your appetite a bit - “taste and see that the LORD is good!”)

The unhealthy state of affairs in my aging family members has me thinking more and more about what is truly "good for me" and what is not. Do I want to be on a pacemaker, shooting insulin in my body and/or barely able to walk later? This is just the tip of the iceberg of what is awaiting me due to genetics. The Apostle Paul even said, "everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial." Ideally, identifying what is beneficial and doing that more often than that which does not benefit would be a start. A ding dong may taste good and may be "permissible" but is it my "best choice"? I emphasize "choice" because well, isn't that really what this is about - choices?

If I eat the ding dong, my choice is taste over waist, is it not? Likewise I could argue that a choice for broccoli might mean waist over taste (as I don't find broccoli nearly as tasty as chocolate). But perhaps I'm looking at this all wrong? In the past if I chose broccoli I did so either as a martyr (oh poor me, I have to eat this vile weed and can't enjoy food at all) or as a self-professed saint (oh look at me, I'm such a healthy minded person and so disciplined). Neither mindset is healthy in the light of Truth and Balance. When it comes to "food", is it really about "being right or being wrong"? I don't think so. I think it's more about what is beneficial and what doesn't benefit.

And then, I must ask myself, what am I striving to benefit? My ego? My vanity? My cravings? My flesh? All of which are shallow things to invest in. Rather then, should I be striving to benefit the Temple of the Lord, which is my physical body. Looking to benefit the Kingdom of Heaven through glorifying the God who created me would be a better choice as well. And if I see the choice between broccoli and the ding dong as more of a choice than a curse or a right, wouldn't it free me to better make the more beneficial decision? The decision that will most benefit my purpose on this earth? Ah, but what is my purpose? I may not know the full scope of that but what I do know is that my purpose does not involve willingly destroying my body any more than it involves the worship of my physical body. My purpose that I am positive of is to reflect the glory of God...to point others back to Him...to live beyond my flesh nature through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Hmm, kind of alters the perspective of those daily food decisions doesn't it?

I "planned" to get up at 5:30 on Monday....I actually got up at 7:30.

I "planned" to get up at 5:30 this morning....sigh, reality was 6:15 (although I'm not sure I was fully awake until 8).

I "planned" to hang some mirrors the other day....but I was out of drywall anchors because I messed up the last four I had while trying to hang up a quilt (they should tell you where metal is located in your walls)...finally got some more anchors but ended up needing to paint walls/ceiling/trim/doors instead because the delivery company called saying the girls' beds were coming earlier than scheduled....which is why, after two solid days of painting...

I "planned" to have the girls' beds completely set up last night....BUT the second set of bunks* were lost in shipping (that's what the manufacturer is claiming anyway).  So we decide to put together the set we did get at least....but they only sent one set of slats!   If this isn't frustration enough, the bedding company (PBteen) sent a set of pillow cases instead of DD#3's gingham sheets.... while I wait for all of that to get ironed out...

I "planned" to see AF on Thursday....but I'm sure you've guessed it, yep she's already here of course.

Now, I was "planning" to do a ton of laundry on Friday should our washer/dryer set show up on Thursday as scheduled but I'm starting to wonder if I should do any more planning right now.

No, I haven't even seen a glimpse of the “normal routine“ I was hoping to get back to this week.  Yes, I am tired and still feeling MILES from being done "setting up house" (recent move).

Hmm, probably ought to forget my plans and go talk to God about all of this...

Update: The afore mentioned furniture company is claiming that they sent us enough slats - they claim there were two sets of slats in the box we found ONE set in. The box itself isn't even big enough to hold two sets of slats.....wishing I had a padded room to go scream and flail around in for a few minutes. Speaking of screaming and tantrums, my three-year-old has specialized in both since Friday.  She's taking the “Theatrical Threes” to a whole new level of excitement.  We're supposed to see the “Fantasic Fours” next month but I don't think she's gotten the memo.

Yeah, I need some more one on one with God for sure!  Help me, Jesus, I need You to change my day...or at least my attitude about it!

*it was cheaper to order two sets of bunks rather than one set and a separate bed.  And yes, we're really second guessing going “cheaper” lol.

I really miss writing for this blog....actually, I've missed writing in general!  As I mentioned before, we moved, yet again.  This time though, we are hopeful it will be permanent.  We're still surrounded by boxes and hundreds of stray items looking for a home in our new home.  Despite this, my plan is to resume a more “normal” routine beginning Monday morning (Oh Lord please help me with this!).  I do know that when I return, my online time will be limited to email, this blog and a couple of forums. 

Speaking of forums, I haven't formally introduced one of my favorite projects to date.  If you are a woman struggling with body image and weightloss, you might consider checking out GAINChange.  Feel free to use my contact form or email me at j.blair.lane@gmail.com express interest in joining us.  We do have some restrictions on who may join so be sure to check out the site.

Well, I'd better return to the land of cardboard chaos!  Looking forward to being back in the swing of things next week!

It's Friday and I am looking forward to attending our home church again tomorrow night.  This time last week I wasn't sure how I would feel walking through those doors after being gone so long.  We love, love, love Fellowship Church Grapevine.  We have kept your membership there despite our contracting travels over the last year and a half.  We've watched the services online and on TV occasionally and Erik has listened to Ed's podcasts.  At first, being away was like torture for us each week as we tried to find a church, any church that would compare.  Nothing measured up I'm sad to say. 

When we began attending Fellowship we were blown away by what “church” could be....never boring...intensely worshipful...joyful volunteers...always outreaching...and the list could go on and on.  I loved being a part of something that was changing the lives of people of every age and walk of life.  My husband and I worked with third graders and knew we were making a difference.  Witnessing children coming to the Lord was a blessing I will never part with.  Aside from living away from dearly loved family, living away from Fellowship was the most difficult adjustment by far.  I have nnot felt that way about a church since I was seven, when my family moved away from the church pastored by my Grandfather.

Knowing that at this time we aren't staying in the DFW metroplex, last Saturday's decision to attend our home church was difficult.  Part of me didn't want to go because it had taken me so long to “get over” being away.  I was even afraid of the kids being disappointed when we left again in a few weeks.  I contemplated going to church with my parents instead, which would have been fine.  In the end though, joining my sister and her family at Fellowship last weekend was the best decision I could have made.  My heart squeezed as I walked toward the preschool buildings to check in my youngest child.  I'm telling you we LOVE this church.  So, I prayed silently while we walked that the Lord would give me peace tonight about our upcoming move to Colorado.  I needed the peace like you would not believe.  We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord is leading us to Colorado.  His hand is ever present on the events that led up to this decision.  We know this is a permanent move for us and the last thing I need to take with me is a longing for our home church.

As we walked through the doors toward the “sanctuary” and each of the half dozen greeters smiled at us and asked how “how are you this evening?” a wash of peace came over me.  My heart no longer stung, it was joyous and light.  Have I mentioned that I have never been at a church with the volunteer staff that this church has lol.  The worship was exactly what I needed.  My eyes welled with tears of joy as I sang to my glorious Lord.  Ed's talk held nuggets that I needed to hear as I prepare to make new relationships in an unfamiliar land.  Picking up my excited children afterwards was a joy also.  I found myself grinning from ear to ear.  Even in the midst of my utter enjoyment of being a part of this church again I no longer felt that intense sadness over leaving.  God granted me the peace I needed to be able to let go...and just go where God was leading.  We don't have any idea what meeting place God has for us in the future but we know He has something in mind.

"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going."  Hebrews 11:8

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

I wonder if Lot's wife looked back in a moment of weakness...or was it longing...or perhaps fear?  Whatever the reason, she must not have taken the Lord's warning of becoming a pillar of salt very seriously.  I've thought every time I came across this story that it must have been difficult to hear her beloved city being pelted with fire and brimstone, to hear the desperate cries of friends and neighbors...and probably dear loved ones.  Today we can't even drive by a fender bender without craning our necks to see what happened.  I cannot imagine walking with my back to such chaos and not at least feel tempted to take a peek over my shoulder.  God said, "don't look back" though and He apparently meant it.

Lot's wife came to my mind last night as I mentally struggled with my size.  I don't like being labeled as "fat" but that's what I am and I was suddenly depressed by it. I began to question this "no dieting" thing. I even signed up for a SparkPeople account and started looking through their "diet plan". It's a totally cool site, with lots of information, forums and trackers galore.  My mind kept telling me that I was insane not to take "before photos" again this year, that I was "giving up" by not detailing out a diet or workout plan. "You'll be fat till you die", was what the voice kept saying.  "You need to go back to what you KNOW!"

At about midnight, as I was about to give in and start working up a plan of attack on this body of mine, another Voice said, "Don't you think you should discuss this with Me first?"  That got my attention.  So, I closed my laptop, climbed in bed with my Bible and prayer journal and met with God about it. I'm happy to report that I'm going to continue on the "no dieting" path. I haven't weighed myself since Friday because well....I am not what I weigh.  I almost did this morning but I felt the Holy Spirit say, "trust Me, not the scale" so I didn't weigh. I haven't counted a single calorie or carb or fat gram. I haven't starved myself OR binged. These are HUGE successes despite what the scale might say. I've wasted so much time and energy on thinking about, loathing, and loving "food". I've wasted almost an equal amount of time and energy planning, researching, tracking and charting in regard to my weight.

All I can do is place this in God's hands. He has to heal me from the inside out...I just have to stay out of His way and stop trying to "fix it" on my own. I don't want to be swept away again by diet plans and charts and such.  Granted, it may be working for others, and that's great, but it was slavery for me.  This is what I believe God has called me to do and until He tells me otherwise, I won't look back.